Salford Central

Lungs

£105

If you would like to chat along with young Jones and Melling, then here you go;

3...2...1...
[Jones] We could sell it for one hundred and five!
[Melling] Hundred and five!?
[Jones] Yeah.
[Melling] That's a lot of money (concerned)
[Jones] That is a lot of money. I'll put it on.
[All] Du Du Du Du Etc Etc
[Jones] 3 days, 4 days, 5 days, 6 days. Sold it for one hundred and five.
[Melling] Biscuits (beat)
[Jones] We could get some biscuits!
[Melling] Ohh, lets go get some biscuits!
[Jones] Yeah!

Thanks All.

Dans Tour of Flat 163

If you would like to talk along with Dan, then here you go;

3...2...1...
Where am I walking to?
Right.
So yeah you've got room 6, and room 2 there,
this is the heater. We are not allowed to put
the hoover there. That's flat 3, this is flat 5, that's 4,
this is the kitchen. As you can see fire action
there is a heater there, there's a chair there
these are certain appliances, milk open I've
made a cup of tea.

errrm...
You can see, you know we've got everything here really.
It's well lit.
Nice floor.
Bags all over the place.
We've got this grater.
There's food in that, a casserole dish,
and as we walk back into the hall
you can see this Schweppes thing. Errrm,
this door there.
There's a cone on the floor.
Sam's at his Computer.
Some weird things on the wall over there.
and then, there's this... this light.
ohh.

Thanks all.

Don't go Jason Waterfalls.

Following on from Mr. Jones's blog, I thought I would add my own short haphazard collection of memories from recent events.

So, as was said earlier, it was the Great Ginger Geordie: Christopher Hall's 22nd Birthday last night. I must say it was quite entertaining, although we managed to lose him in Font Bar after about 1 1/2 hours of time spent with him at his flat in the Vicarage. Typical ey?

Anyway, just a few things that Jones didn't mention:

1). James Dorrington forgot about his coat however I (with my heart of gold and mind that is as crisp as fresh lettuce) reminded him and he danced away to recover it. Whilst, waiting for him to return to us Dan had his ears blasted off by that rancid girl's foul accent. I recall that her face looked like it had been planed... you know... like wood. But! But! The most horrifying thing about this story is that Dozza went through a different exit in 5th and left us waiting for bloody ages. Silly sod.

2). Also, there was a right tiffle in the taxi on the way back. I won't repeat the words that Edward and Gregory said to each other, because frankly it would melt your ears. It would be a similiar experience to the climax of Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the Ark. I hope they have reconciled though because I recall at the end that Gregory walked the wrong way home so he could still be lost at this time.

3). The taxi to Font Bar was a dropped piece of toast that lands butter side down on a hairy carpet. Me and Dan were sat in the front whilst the rest of the mini bus was filled with lads we didn't know. We'd never met them before you see! One of the buggers foul mouthed the Taxi driver for no reason whatsoever and the Taxi driver (rightfully so) foulmouthed him back. The little shit then did a runner when the taxi stopped and didn't pay his bit for the ride. Bastard.

4). This isn't really a major event in last night's endeavours but I believe I have made myself a permanent friend in one of the barstaff at 5th. It has been a much debated subject and there has been a great deal of controversy surrounding our relationship but it was confirmed last night when she said: "Hi!" to me when I was on the floor of dance. Happy days.

Other than the above mentioned I think that Dan pretty much covered everything. Oh! Wait! New memories are resurfacing (Is that an oxymoron?). Me and Jones made a bet last night. I bet him that Wigan Warriors RLFC would finish 5th in the league and he reckons they will finish 2nd and win the challenge cup and some other shit. The stakes are high for this bet, there is a £20 pot and if anyone else wishes to join in this bet then we could be talking serious money.

Anyway, my tea is looking to be ready soon so I'm going to disappear for now.

Hope you are all well and keep reading. Things will only get messier.

Sammy.

Chris's 22nd Birthday.

It really is lovely to be typing to you this morning, but before I begin Eddie Reed wanted a mention in this Blog.

I hope that is sufficient. I must stress, shout outs will be kept to a minimum. It's like if I went on the Jonathan Ross show, I would love to mention everyone I know and say Hi - But come on guys, that's not going to happen. Keep it on the down low, yo.

It was Mr Chris Halls 22nd Birthday last night and being the bloody great Middlesbrough ginger that he is, he got drunk. Which, to be fair, is a perfectly fine thing to do on your birthday. Me and Sam bought him a card that cost £22.99, from Gamestation (we left the bloody price ticket on it stupidly..) It was pink and had some Teddies on it, I think.. I think he cried because it was really nice.

£1.21 Tesco Value Cider was the preferred drink of the evening.. It was so cheap, it tasted like the smell of petrol in an old Y reg Triumph Acclaim 1982 / 1983. I quite liked it, Sammy Holden didn't.

Off to the Vicarage, where everyone's favourite Blackpool tower let us in (that's two mentions, in the space of half a page). Meeted and Greeted everyone and that and then I went for a wee.

Zooom forward about 15 minutes, I had finished my wee and Chris had introduced the Vodka Jelly.

Strongest Vodka Jelly mix I have ever experienced in my life. It was red and was so bloody strong it melted the hairs on your tongue. It felt like a trident to the ribs, a dagger to the thigh, if you will.

Some scribble around this point..

We had that freeview channel 'rabbit' on, where most people hailed from Wakefield and were;

"Lukin 4 tht speshal sum1, alwys up 4 a laff, gd fun. txt me luv dav."

If that doesn't 'woo' you, I'm not sure what will.

Taxi>Town>Font Bar.

I had an Amaretto Sour obvs and Sam had something. Think we spent a little while in here because I went for a wee twice. Then we briefly saw the girls outside, but I'm afraid we were moving on.

5th Av.

It was rammmmmed man. It's at this point I ran out of money. Also, in a weird way for 5th Av, it wasn't a massive sausage fest. Obviously there was an element of sausage, like always - but a fair amount of clientèle were not sausages.

I don't think anything memorable happened really apart from..

On the way out, we were all waiting for everyone's favourite James.

Mr James Dorrington.

He had attempted to leave without his coat..

Note: Pod = 3

There was a pod of girls all blabbling to each other. So I sat next to one and looked over.

"Don't, I think they're arguing."

Was the call from one of the pod. I looked across at the one being all narky and she said;

"Get your agly mag aaaat of it. I don't even knaaaw you.. Just fack off! I don't even knaaaw you!"

I think she was on crack, or she was just a mental bitch. They left and so did we.

I got back, made a pasta bake that took ages. It was all cooked at about half 4. I didn't eat any of it, just saved it in my casserole dish - and it's still there now. Bits have gone because Nicole got in about 4 and I offered her some.

(She isn't going to turn that down, you know)

Then I started to watch Have I Got News For You.. But, I turned it off because I wanted to watch the extended version later.

Zoooom to this morning. Phone's ringing and it's Chris!

"Alright man like, howay.. I'm still pissed, like."

We conversed for ages actually. He asked me did I go to 42's.. I said, No did you?

"Yeah.."

Daft get.

Then he put the phone down on me after telling me someone had changed his name to Ronald Weesley on Facebook.

Priceless.

I wait on the tips of my toes

Oh... hello, fancy seeing you here again. Well seeing as your here you may as well stay for some reading material.

What a week! The emotionless flower is taking off BIG TIME! Also, our flat 163 team effort stop motion animation is going to be shown on the INTERNET! I am over the moon about such an achievement.

If you want to see the emotionless flower [part 1] video in all its glory... click here---------------------------------------------------------------->>>>>>>> .
However, if you want to see our incredibly long and intricate stop motion animation called Crisp Drink. Click here ---------------------------------------------->>>>>>>>>> :D


Now then... alcohol was not present in much of this story, so I'll leave with saying I am drinking tonight and Dan Jones was drinking last night (he may or may not have a story to tell - I wait on the edge of my seat and the tips of my toes to see).

Thank you

Good day.

Stephen

Sadly.

Sadly, as a direct result of being out last night I have some bad news.

I have suffered some pretty painful injuries on my arms.

Why?

Me and Annie climbed the perimeter wall of Castle Irwell to get somewhere a bit quicker. Whilst this was quicker, I'm not sure it was worth it.

I have structured this like a news report, because I could imagine this being on 'Northwest Tonight'. Gordon Burns would well read this out.

My good friend Stephen Melling has supported me through this difficult time.


[ ] Please tick this box if you agree to see the image.

Well, to be honest..

I'm back and it's half past 5.

Ohhhhh yeah. No ugg boots, or umbrellas = no wind.

Pav + 3 Things You Don't

Pav tonight.. But first..

3 Things You Don't!

• Brolly in the Wind
• Ugg Boots
• Blocking Pavements

Next..

3 Things You Can't!

• Draw
• Fly
• Sit up, backwards

5th Av, Last Night.

Following on from Dan's post, I thought I would post my own memories from last night's endeavours:

I don't remember anything.

Thanks for reading.

Sam.

Yesterday and Today Condensed Into Writing.

Hello all. I sit here in my dressing gown with some orange juice and sweaty underpants. I have some summarising to do, so I'll crack on with that.

At half past 4 yesterday, Me, Emma, Ste, Hayley, Dan Mcpake, some other people etc etc etc sat down in Cornerhouse Cinema and watched some amazingly cool short films.

Emma said to me in a grown up voice;

"We should come here more often for shorts nights.."

I agreed.

Then we left and went to the German Markets, that was cool.

Then we waited in line for the cash machine and some little girl was staring at Emma's head. The girl wasn't afraid, but Emma was a little bit.

After that, things changed. Emma went to the Cinema with Charlotte and I joined Stephen and Hayley in Matt and Phreds for some alcohol, pizza and Jazz. We were in luck, as this is what we got!

We watched the sound check of Chuck Perkins and I decided I really liked him. He gave me a sense of ambition and intrepidness (that word's for Stephen). He looked cool as well.

I got the train back to Salford after that and I was wearing a blue condom on my head hat and some gloves and I was cozy warm.

Bought 6 litres of Cider, 3 was for Sam though. Got back, made Pasta Bake with spicy tomato and peperoni for tea.

I added cheese as well, but I didn't do this thinking of the nutritional aspects, I did it for the TASTE.

Richy, everyone's favourite Scouse, came round and we then went to 5th Av.

This is where it gets a little bit murky and a tad dark. I put my coat in the cloakroom and cleverly wrote it down on my hand.

Somethingprobablyhappensherebutwecannotrememberwhat.

Then they were gone! Sam and Richy had gone!

I did what everyone in that situation does and found some new friends that I can refer back to in Blog posts and make it sound like they were my real friends.

3 (or 4 girls) were sat down so I joined them. They were also 3rd year Salford Uni students. I think they were nice and I liked them.

We talked for tens of minutes, then MAGICALLY Sam and Richy came back from where they had been.

We rejoiced, went home and I passed out in all of my clothes (but I was wearing shorts..) on my bed facing my computer screen.

I woke up at 10am and thought;

"Hmm, did I go out last night?"

So I stood up to go for a wee and almost face planted the carpet. I then remember recalling;

"Ahh yes, I did go out last night!"

This is the end, but I hope you have learned a lesson from this - Not only is this Blog full of text, it is almost always spelt correctly. I think this is the most important thing about it.

tea & eye.

The Dripping Tap.

Sperm on a Wall.

Poker: The Making of...

Poker.

Joy Division.

Joy Division is the title of this blog which, I'll be completely honest, makes no sense.

But it will a lot later on.. Kind of.

Well, the day started for me at around 2pm. Me and that old dog, Phil Jones, went to the pub in Wigan.. The Brocket Arms. A fine establishment, I must say.

I got a pint of Ruddles (Boo hiss, cheap sod, boo) and my Father got a pint of Double Dark (hoorar!). There was a valid reason for being in the pub at such an early hour though, the Rugby was only bloody on in Leeds!

England vs Australia in the 4Nations Final.

We had food in the pub, but mine was worse than baby shit. On the flip side, Phil's was 'The best pudding I've probably ever had'.

Nice.

Pub to Coach > Coach to Pub.. In Leeds.

Stood outside with 2 pints each in the coldest wind, ever. Embarassingly though, we had walked the whole way around Elland Road Stadium looking for the East stand, when in actual fact, the coach dropped us off right outside it. We even picked our tickets up from the 'East Ticket Office'.

I blamed the Senior.

Game was good, but we lost. However, all was not lost for PJ, for he had brought a plastic bottle of (what looked like piss) Whisky. This warmed the cockles of his heart and we coached it back.

I briefly fell asleep, my Dad basically passed out.

Coach to Wigan> Us to Pub.

Heading for the Brocket, we walked passed 3 Chavs in a Takeaway.. One of them shouted towards me;

"Is that a Condom on your head!?"

It wasn't, it was a hat - but it's that kind naivety that causes accidents.

We eventually got back in to the Brocket and met up with Simon Yates and Simon's Mum.

We had jovial, clean banter on an array of subjects. But the tone took a nose dive when Simon was trying to describe some Rod Stewart lookalike.. To which his Mum confessed;

"He's gay isn't he? He still goes with his Mum.."

Only to later retract that statement and say;

"He does still go with his Mum, but only at the weekend."

After much of this tooing and froing it was time to leave the Brocket, for the second time. Simon and I headed off in to town and the older generation went home.

Important Note: It's at this point 'Joy Division' will kind of make sense.

Having a few scoops in the Boulevard and we start talking to this old guy. Short, with a bald head. He immediately mentions Joy Division and does this funny out stretched arm thing. We talk more and I try and find out his name;

"Arthur", he says.

Simon asks him;

"Eric", he says.

It was like this for about 2 and a half minutes, until finally we cracked asked him what his name actually was;

"Arthur Eric Eccles Manchester."

It was at this point we sensed he was a nutter. But a bloody funny nutter all the same.

Joy Division followed by outstretched arm was certainly his favourite thing to do. He also 'would have shot the Eastern Europeans' had he been 21 again. I got the feeling he didn't think about that, because had he shot the Eastern Europeans, he would have been in prison and not trollied in a Wigan pub. The daft get.

Ashley Molyneux came in to the Boulevard a little later on and he'd just turned 21, so we chatted for a while about things of that nature and then I think he went somewhere else, or just simply vanished.

From the Boulevard to The Officers Club.. It was 4am and I was knackered. Like really knackered, but Yate's child-like quality really shines through in those situations. He insisted we go in, I agreed but on one condition; I could be sick.

Permission granted.

For actual evidence we went in, I typed this in to draft messages on my phone:

'pemps i cant wait to see your fanny. we're in pemps it's very quiet. as rugby fans we deserve more. i don't do shots.'

So there!

Had a shot of something red and a pint of something wet and that was me done. I could no longer carry on being that drunk. I had to go home - pretty much had to bin the dummy Simon had thrown on the floor, but you have to be stern in those situations.

Takeaway, Garlic Bread, Taxi, Bed. 6am and it was all over.

An Epic journey of life changing experiences, achievement, fruitfulness and Joy Division.

Legendary Cupboards.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I bring you some sad news.

The Cupboard of Wisdom (CoW), which was mentioned in earlier posts, has been erased. It was destroyed in the great cleansing of the 9th November 2009. Now I fear it may fade into legend just as the Loch Ness Monster and the Fountain of Youth. Although, strangely enough, I received an email from Nessie offering me her condolences for the loss. Bizarre.

Anyway, I hope you all take a moment out of your days to say a prayer for our beloved CoW.

Bless you and God speed.

Sam.

P.S. It took me about 3 days to actually realise that the CoW was destroyed. That's not very important of course but it shows that I lack in the observation department.

Rumble Bumble, I'm Eating A Biscuit.

I'm eating a biscuit, it is nice.

It has thrice the calories of a normal loaf, but I like to eat it.

Sometimes twice.

As both people once said;

'It is us who are alone and we forget this a lot for tomorrow is upon us.. is it not?'

Some News and Some Amazing Magic.

Fire lights and Camera delights.

Free booze and no snooze? I think so...

Good morning, good morning!!! The night has passed and the morning is upon us.

However, although a new day has begun, we are going to enlighten you on the events that have passed.

Last night, we imbibed free booze that permeated our flat. As a result we regressed to our primal instincts and re-created fire (IN A SINK).

This may not appease your cerebellum but our fires were unique as you will soon see.

Anything else you want to add Dan?

Yes of course, for we are upon ourselves within time and space, thus expressing upon life.

Alright, fair enough.

I'm going to bring this random, silly, ridiculous, insane, magical (Dan's input), radical, radiant, mystical (Dan again) rant to a full stop.

Good night, Good morning, Ohio Gozaimasu, Konichwa, Konbanwa, Fiat Cinquecento.

Love, Sam & Dan.

P.s. Do not judge those who cometh before you, for they may have a knife and be willing to exercise it.

Sinkchronised Fire.

Cupboard of Wisdom.

The Holland's Pies experience.

Good evening folks. Not spoken to you wonderful people for a while. Bloody dark though isn't it? Winter is-a-coming.

So this is a bit of a change of direction in terms of blogging. As you all know we (Dan) usually ramble on about booze and other muck, however, today we shall ramble on about Holland's Pies.

Now, I'm sure you're all aware of Holland's Pies. For those who aren't: they are a magnificent pastry manufacturer established in 1851 in the North-West of Blighty. Being from Wigan and having a stomach and set of taste buds, I am a huge fan of Holland's Pies. So today, I sent them an email to thank them for their hard work and effort and the resulting delicious pastries. Much to my delight, I was responded to very quickly. Here is the short conversation that took place:

HI Sam,

Thank you for taking the time to email us. It's really good to know your
like our products...we will continue to provide the best in the future!!

Thanks,

Leanne

-----Original Message-----
From: holden.sam@googlemail.com [mailto:holden.sam@googlemail.com]
Sent: 06 November 2009 14:22
To: Leanne Holcroft
Subject: Hollands Pies Enquiry

Submitted: November 06, 2009 14:22

Name: Sam Holden

Email: holden.sam@googlemail.com

Enquiry regarding: Trade General

Message: I just wanted to say: I really love your pies. They are
absolutely delicious!

I hope you continue to produce outstanding pastries far into the future.

Well done Hollands.

Regards,
Your satisfied customer: Sam Holden.

So on that note, if you are reading this blog Leanne, then I wish to thank you whole-heartedly for replying so quickly. If you aren't reading... then thats a shame and I think you should be.

Over and out.

Sam.

Money For Nothing and Your Chicks For Free..

'Money for Nothing and your Chicks For Free', is what Dire Straits one said.. However, there was no evidence of this last night.

I paid to get in 5th AV with my own money and there were no 'free chicks'. So, basically they were just fucking wrong!

Bonfire night last night you know and isn't the atmosphere feeling it now? Smoke all over the shop.

'To dream the impossible dream..' Andy Williams once said. I suppose he's right on that one, more right than fucking Dire Straits.

I digress.

Richy 'I like being a Scouse' Carling joined Me and Sam 'I have a middle name but it's not being typed because Dan is including an hilarious pun there' Holden and together we defeated the evil soup monster.

Not really. We went to 5th AV.

Well good though, 'cos Simon 'I've had a hair cut' Yates ended up there and so did Lauren 'I'm full of great emotionally fulfilling stories that really get to the core of you' Christopher.

It was good, but I'm afraid I have no lollies to report because I was trying to pretend my friends had left me and I very nearly ended up in a flat in the Northern Quarter. 4 girls invited me back to their living quarters, but I think I might have screwed it up, because I woke up in my bed.

I would report more on the night, but seriously guys.. I can't remember owt! All I know is, I was drinking Peroni, £1.20 a bottle. I had a wee about 4 times. Rich and Sammy buggered off at some point and Simon has had a hair cut.

I love you all and remember, if you ever doubt yourself.. It's probably for the best.

The Argument.

"We went to bed two hours ago, you shit! You said something like.. is this it?"

"No!" I said,

"But it can be. I don't like you that much, but I don't want to leave. I am alone and on my own.

"Oh.." You said.

And that was it.

Bloody poems!

If Daniel Jones writes a bloody poem on here tonight I'm going to slap him with a stuffed kangaroo.

Silly person.

(whatafoolbox)

Halloween.

Well, last night was Halloween - The 31st of October and the end of a pretty fun month.

With the theme almost certainly self explanatory, I decided to go for the old classic of 'dressing like a homeless tramp' idea.. However, that then manifested in to a 'tramp that had fallen out of a train on to the live tracks' idea and this is the one I decided on.

Sam went for the modern classic of painting his face green, with some black around his eyes and mouth and putting some orange in his hair - whilst wearing baggy pants and and a white t-shirt. Have to say though, he pulled that look off bloody well.

Stephen went for that old chestnut of 'blacking up your face so it looks like your eyes are dead white'. Emma did the same (I say did the same, what I meant is 'originally coming up with the idea') but her eyes looked utterly amazing, like seriously freaky.

Our flat was decked out like a Halloween flavoured abode and it was then we started to drink.

The whole party doused their innards in booze and as more and more people came, the louder that collective got.

ALT, Annie Jones and Gene turned up a little later - ALT was dressed like a chav and had the most annoying chav-accent ever, but she's got experience, being from Warrington of course. Jones came as Cruella-de-Vil, which looked mint.. But I couldn't help thinking: 'She's just too nice for that role.. just too nice!' Gene appeared to have been run over by a small tractor. It couldn't have been a car, as the tyre tracks were just too substantial. Also, being the keen onlooker that I am, I noticed that when Gene had been run over, he wasn't wearing a t-shirt. A little odd, maybe?

We went and scoped out the party downstairs, for which Harry et al were hosting. That was a bloody good do, they had blood on their cupboards and sweet decorations - I felt like Halloween had finally arrived in Block 7.. That was a nice feeling.

Later on..

Emma went missing (think bathroom, think random guy, think oo err misses..)

Melling was pestering like a child (twat?) to go in to town, so we got a Mr Khan taxi - He will sort you out, no problem.

Waited 20 minutes with about 1million dickheads outside Castle Irwell and as Mr Khan turned up, 750,000 of the dickheads rushed towards him and tried to take him from us. But he was wise and read the situation like a pro.

"No!" He grinned. "I'm here for Dan." Alriiiiiight.. So we got in, which was great for us, but not for the pissedupbitchgirl who had decided to come in as well.

"Where are you going?" I politely asked.

"Blahhhillegalraveinswinton" She croaked.

"Sorry love, you'll have to piss off." I explained.

"Don't tell me to piss off, you twat.. Be nice to me." She apologetically remarked.

Mr Khan drove off, his head held high with 3 of the nicest people in the world in transit.

We got in to town. Didn't go in font, didn't want to go to Joshua Brooks (Bloody £7 to get in!) Melling said his fair wells and me and Sam proceeded to walk home.

Highlight moment of that story:

I'd found an unused Police cone and put it on my head. Sam came up with a great idea of chasing me shouting, "He's got my cone!"

You can bet the hundreds of people who saw us will remember that forever. A green fella with black eyes and a black mouth, chasing a pale fella with blood coming out of his ears through Manchester. Superb, honest.

I used it as a megaphone later - It served me well and it now takes pride of place next to my heater.

1 hour 30 minutes later we were back home. Looked at Siobhan who had passed out, talked to a bladdered Nicole, got told to shhhh ( I was megaphoning our arrival) by Terri and then went to bed.

The end of Halloween 2009.